Choosing the Desired Wife.

Choosing the Desired Wife.  

Find out what one should look for in a prospective wife.

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.

All praise is due to Allāh, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muḥammad, and upon his family and companions.

When marriage is spoken of during these “modern” times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that “perfect” companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islām came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islām so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience.

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (ﷺ) echoes on,when he said: “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality…”

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allāh wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (ﷺ) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

WHO TO MARRY

Islām is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed.” This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.

In another Ḥadīth, the Prophet (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām) said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.” Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by RasulAllāh (ṣallallāhu ʿalayhī wa-salām), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following āyah was revealed: “They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allāh, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): ‘Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard.” [Q.9; v.34-35]. Umar ibn al-Khattab (raḍīyaAllāhuʿanhu) has been quoted to say that, when this āyah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (ṣallallāhuʿalayhī wa-salām), submitting that the āyah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. RasulAllāh (ṣallallāhuʿalayhī wa-salām) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away.

Abū Bakr once asked RasulAllāh (ṣallallāhuʿalayhī wa-salām) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām) replied: “the tongue in remembrance of Allāh, the heart filled with thanks to Allāh, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds”. Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allāh! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.

QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN

Alright, you say, you’ve convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allāh himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur’ān, and in the aḤadīth there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some āyahs (Verses) on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities. The following are some āyahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities. “And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity.” [Q.24; v.26].

“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allāh would have them guard.” [Q.4;v.34].

“It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allāh will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allāh in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast…” [Q.66; v.5].

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allāh, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:

-a Muslim woman 
-a believing woman 
-a devout woman 
-a true woman 
-a woman who is patient and constant 
-a woman who humbles herself 
-a woman who gives charity 
-a woman who fasts and denies herself 
-a woman who guards her chastity 
-a woman who engages much in Allāh’s praise.

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allāh because of her religious qualities: “O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down.” [Q.3; v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: “And Allāh sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: ‘O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden.” [Q.66; v.11].

The Prophet (ﷺ) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Āishah once related the fine qualities of Zainab: “(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allāh’s Messenger (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allāh, the Exalted, than her.”

Ah, you think, but you’ll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allāh would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islām deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn’t exist, yet “if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allāh brings about through it a great deal of good.” [Q.4; v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either.

KNOWING WHO SHE IS.

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allāh asks the believing women that they should “lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments,” and also that they “should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments.” [Q.24; v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I’m sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other “just good friends”.

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don’t stress on her weak ones.

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her. Yet, after this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (which I consider extreme and unIslamic except for the first point), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allāh.

TRUST IN Allāh

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.

Allāh loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islām is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allāh. It is related on the authority of Jabir ibnʿAbdullāh that the Prophet (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du’a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allāh in all matters which affected them. RasulAllāh (ṣallallāhuʿalayhī wa-salām) said: “When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak’at of nafl ṣalát and read the following du’a (du’a of istikharah).”

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du’a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn’t we turn to Allāh and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allāh responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du’a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite color is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this ṣalát.

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about everything carefully and then make a decision). Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you – so you re-evaluate your situation again – and perhaps your decision might change. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allāh, you may be blessed with a dream.

The Prophet (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allāh: “I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord.” Allāh, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an āyah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognizing that it is Allāh who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in al Qur’ān.

The Prophet (ṣallallāhu alayhī wa-salām) once said to Āishah: “I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: ‘Here is your wife’, and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: ‘if this is from Allāh, let Him carry it out’ “. Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn’t that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rarer of your children. Don’t marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allāh. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allāh for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: “For Allāh are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them.” [Q.7; v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: “Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous” [Q.25; v.74]. I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allāh. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allāh says: “Put your trust in Allāh, for Allāh loves those who put their trust in Him.” [Q.3; v.159]. May Allāh help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.

“When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way.” [Q.2; v.186]

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The Girlfriend – Boyfriend Relationship.

AII thanks and praises are due to Allâh, Whom we thank, seek for help and invoke for forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allâh from the evils within ourselves. He whom Allâh guides will never be misled and he whom He misguides will never find one to guide him. I bear witness that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allâh and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. Allâh عز وجل Says (Interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Fear Allâh (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. (Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always.) and die not except in a state of Islam [as Muslims with complete submission to Allâh].” (3:102). And;
“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)].” (4:1). And;
“O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allâh and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allâh and His Messenger (ﷺ), he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e., he will be saved from the Hell-fire and will be admitted to Paradise).” (33:70,71).

In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

PREVENTING ZINAA (fornication)

This has become a commonplace occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when some Muslim parents virtually put their children under ‘lock and key’. The answer is that although some parents are strict when their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of “no boyfriend/girlfriend” when their sons/daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do? The following article highlights some of the ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.

In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahram (non-Mahram is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married!

Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship. At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or ‘an affair’. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, sexual diseases – the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: ‘Abdullaah (رضي الله عنه) related that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community.” [Sahîh Bukhari 9/17, and Sahîh Muslim through Abdullaah ibn Abbās 17/4194]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Same narrator in Muslim 17/4194]. But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished – he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [through Ubada B. as-Samit in Sahîh Muslim 17/4191]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (ﷺ) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Jahanam [Hellfire] with flame of fire reaching them from underneath [part of a long hadîth narrated by Samura bin Jundub in Sahîh Bukhari 9/171]. At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Musnad Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul. Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allâh bestows mercy upon: Abu Hurayrah (رضي الله عنه) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said that among the seven persons whom Allâh will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allâh. [Sahîh Bukhari 2/504, and Sahîh Muslim 5/2248].

Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.

You must teach him or her to:

1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex. This is very important to teach the children the danger that lies in this. Make them to understand that it is not permissible to be interacting with the opposite gender where there is no need for such. If they are not taught about this at the early stage, it will eventually lead to a situation where they will not see anything wrong in shaking hands or hugging the other sex, and possibly beyond that. At this juncture, it is necessary to mention what the Prophet (ﷺ) said in regard to touching the opposite gender. The Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) was reported to have said in an hadîth that: “For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle (i.e nails) is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (narrated by Ma’qil ibn Yassaar in al-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer, 486. Shaykh al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045). When the children have reached the age of discernment where they are able to know what it is right from wrong, then it becomes important to inculcate in them the practice of not mixing with their opposite gender. The responsibility is solely that of the parents.

2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allâh tells us: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allâh is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts…” [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “…do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second.” [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Abu Dawood, and Sunan at-Tirmidhi 2701]. This may be interpreted that the first look may have been by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. The Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) also said: “….the eyes also commit adultery by looking.” [part of a long hadîth narrated by Ibn Abbās in Sahîh Bukhari 8/260]

3. For girls; teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahrams. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allâh commanded the wives of His Messenger (ﷺ) who are the Mothers of the Believers “…do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you…” [33:32].

4. Not to listen to music. For most of the parents that were raised with the habit of spending countless hours listening to music, this may prove to be very difficult for them to do. First, let’s address the issue of prohibition pertaining to music before mentioning the ill effects of it. Allâh Says (Interpretation of the meaning):

“And of mankind is he who purchases idle talks (i.e. music, singing) to mislead (men) from the path of Allaah…” [31:6];

and “[Allâh said to Iblees:] “And befool them gradually those whom you can among them with your voice (i.e. songs, music, and any other call for Allâh’s disobedience)…” [17:64].

Interpreting the two aforementioned Verses, the likes of Ibn Abbās, Ibn Mas’ūd, Ibn Umar, Mujahid, Ibn Qayyim, Ikrimah, Ibn Khatir, Sufyan ath-Thawrī, and other early Scholars of this Ummah held that they refers to idle talks and music. And the hadîth of the Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) that “Among my ummah there will certainly be people who permit zinaa, silk, alcohol and musical instruments…” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari ta’leeqan, no. 5590; narrated as mawsool by al-Tabaraani and al-Bayhaqi. See al-Silsilah al-Saheehah by al-Albaani, 91].

Now, it is clear that this is not permissible under any circumstances. The effects of listening to music are: (1) the heart becomes heedless of the remembrance of Allâh; (2) it is a means by which the person who listens to it becomes a fornicator due to the fact that most of lyrics consist of licentious speeches; (3) it breeds hypocrisy in the person because he/she says what they do not do, and Allâh warned us against saying what we do not do. Take them away from places where music is being played and lead them by example by not listening to it yourself. In’shaa’Allaah you would have done a great act by doing this.

5. Last but not least, teach and encourage them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijab, Khimar, Jilbaab, or Niqab. While boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with t-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashion clothing which, in most cases, are imitations of the disbelieving people who have little or no morals, and which do not meets the requirements of proper Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons. It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex from early years. Regarding shyness, we have the perfect example in the Prophet (ﷺ) [just as we have in him an example in all aspects of our lives]. Abu Said Al Khudri (رضي الله عنه) reported that the Prophet (ﷺ) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Sahîh Bukhari 8/124] If we instill this into them at an early age then, In’shaa’Allaah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called ‘the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship’.

We ask Allâh سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالٰى to aid us in our efforts to instill proper Islamic manners into our children, grant us the ability to do the righteous actions that will be pleasing to Him, grant us righteous offspring who will lead their generation to the Path of Allâh and His Messenger (ﷺ), and make us the inhabitants of Jannah. Whatever good I have written here is by the grace and blessings of Allâh, and whatever error that is found here is from me and Shaytaan who is an enemy.

Subhanaka Allaahumma wabihamdika, asha’adu an ‘lailla ila anta, astaghifiruka wa atooybu ilayka.