The Girlfriend – Boyfriend Relationship.

AII thanks and praises are due to Allâh, Whom we thank, seek for help and invoke for forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allâh from the evils within ourselves. He whom Allâh guides will never be misled and he whom He misguides will never find one to guide him. I bear witness that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allâh and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. Allâh عز وجل Says (Interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Fear Allâh (by doing all that He has ordered and by abstaining from all that He has forbidden) as He should be feared. (Obey Him, be thankful to Him, and remember Him always.) and die not except in a state of Islam [as Muslims with complete submission to Allâh].” (3:102). And;
“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)].” (4:1). And;
“O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allâh and fear Him, and speak (always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allâh and His Messenger (ﷺ), he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e., he will be saved from the Hell-fire and will be admitted to Paradise).” (33:70,71).

In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

PREVENTING ZINAA (fornication)

This has become a commonplace occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when some Muslim parents virtually put their children under ‘lock and key’. The answer is that although some parents are strict when their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of “no boyfriend/girlfriend” when their sons/daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do? The following article highlights some of the ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.

In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahram (non-Mahram is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married!

Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship. At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or ‘an affair’. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, sexual diseases – the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: ‘Abdullaah (رضي الله عنه) related that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community.” [Sahîh Bukhari 9/17, and Sahîh Muslim through Abdullaah ibn Abbās 17/4194]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Same narrator in Muslim 17/4194]. But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished – he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [through Ubada B. as-Samit in Sahîh Muslim 17/4191]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (ﷺ) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Jahanam [Hellfire] with flame of fire reaching them from underneath [part of a long hadîth narrated by Samura bin Jundub in Sahîh Bukhari 9/171]. At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Musnad Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul. Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allâh bestows mercy upon: Abu Hurayrah (رضي الله عنه) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said that among the seven persons whom Allâh will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allâh. [Sahîh Bukhari 2/504, and Sahîh Muslim 5/2248].

Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.

You must teach him or her to:

1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex. This is very important to teach the children the danger that lies in this. Make them to understand that it is not permissible to be interacting with the opposite gender where there is no need for such. If they are not taught about this at the early stage, it will eventually lead to a situation where they will not see anything wrong in shaking hands or hugging the other sex, and possibly beyond that. At this juncture, it is necessary to mention what the Prophet (ﷺ) said in regard to touching the opposite gender. The Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) was reported to have said in an hadîth that: “For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle (i.e nails) is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (narrated by Ma’qil ibn Yassaar in al-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer, 486. Shaykh al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045). When the children have reached the age of discernment where they are able to know what it is right from wrong, then it becomes important to inculcate in them the practice of not mixing with their opposite gender. The responsibility is solely that of the parents.

2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allâh tells us: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allâh is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts…” [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “…do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second.” [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Abu Dawood, and Sunan at-Tirmidhi 2701]. This may be interpreted that the first look may have been by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. The Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) also said: “….the eyes also commit adultery by looking.” [part of a long hadîth narrated by Ibn Abbās in Sahîh Bukhari 8/260]

3. For girls; teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahrams. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allâh commanded the wives of His Messenger (ﷺ) who are the Mothers of the Believers “…do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you…” [33:32].

4. Not to listen to music. For most of the parents that were raised with the habit of spending countless hours listening to music, this may prove to be very difficult for them to do. First, let’s address the issue of prohibition pertaining to music before mentioning the ill effects of it. Allâh Says (Interpretation of the meaning):

“And of mankind is he who purchases idle talks (i.e. music, singing) to mislead (men) from the path of Allaah…” [31:6];

and “[Allâh said to Iblees:] “And befool them gradually those whom you can among them with your voice (i.e. songs, music, and any other call for Allâh’s disobedience)…” [17:64].

Interpreting the two aforementioned Verses, the likes of Ibn Abbās, Ibn Mas’ūd, Ibn Umar, Mujahid, Ibn Qayyim, Ikrimah, Ibn Khatir, Sufyan ath-Thawrī, and other early Scholars of this Ummah held that they refers to idle talks and music. And the hadîth of the Messenger of Allâh (ﷺ) that “Among my ummah there will certainly be people who permit zinaa, silk, alcohol and musical instruments…” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari ta’leeqan, no. 5590; narrated as mawsool by al-Tabaraani and al-Bayhaqi. See al-Silsilah al-Saheehah by al-Albaani, 91].

Now, it is clear that this is not permissible under any circumstances. The effects of listening to music are: (1) the heart becomes heedless of the remembrance of Allâh; (2) it is a means by which the person who listens to it becomes a fornicator due to the fact that most of lyrics consist of licentious speeches; (3) it breeds hypocrisy in the person because he/she says what they do not do, and Allâh warned us against saying what we do not do. Take them away from places where music is being played and lead them by example by not listening to it yourself. In’shaa’Allaah you would have done a great act by doing this.

5. Last but not least, teach and encourage them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijab, Khimar, Jilbaab, or Niqab. While boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with t-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashion clothing which, in most cases, are imitations of the disbelieving people who have little or no morals, and which do not meets the requirements of proper Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons. It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex from early years. Regarding shyness, we have the perfect example in the Prophet (ﷺ) [just as we have in him an example in all aspects of our lives]. Abu Said Al Khudri (رضي الله عنه) reported that the Prophet (ﷺ) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Sahîh Bukhari 8/124] If we instill this into them at an early age then, In’shaa’Allaah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called ‘the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship’.

We ask Allâh سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالٰى to aid us in our efforts to instill proper Islamic manners into our children, grant us the ability to do the righteous actions that will be pleasing to Him, grant us righteous offspring who will lead their generation to the Path of Allâh and His Messenger (ﷺ), and make us the inhabitants of Jannah. Whatever good I have written here is by the grace and blessings of Allâh, and whatever error that is found here is from me and Shaytaan who is an enemy.

Subhanaka Allaahumma wabihamdika, asha’adu an ‘lailla ila anta, astaghifiruka wa atooybu ilayka.